Tonight your daddy and I had a fight. It was loud and it got heated. You were playing in the other room but came toddling in to see. You are too young to understand our words, but you heard our tone. You knew we were mad at each other and in the midst of this fight I turn and look at you. You stood so quietly watching, learning, hearing and feeling. Your face told me all that I needed to know. I scooped you up and up the stairs we went. I drew you a warm bath and filled it with bubbles and together we played with all the toys. I smiled and giggled even though part of my mind was on the fight that had been going on a few minutes ago. I long to explain to you the bigger picture but know that you can’t understand. So for now I want to say I am sorry.
I am sorry that I brought you into this world and it wasn’t perfect. You deserve so much better. You deserve two perfect parents that never fight, that don’t have problems, that don’t let each other down. More importantly, we should have had it better figured out before you came along. Everyone says, you can’t time a baby perfectly. ‘There is no right time’. But tonight I want to raise my voice in descent. Maybe we should have tried harder. Had our crap a little more figured out. Perhaps been brave enough to say we aren’t good enough to have a baby. Honest enough to say we don’t deserve to bring a life into this world. Yeah, compared the news stories we all hear, I am sure we come off looking pretty perfect but it’s not about the other failing parents. It is about you, and the moment I realized my life choice was hurting you.
A child comes into this violent, broken world filled with innocence. And we break it. As your mom, I logically know that I will fail you, but my heart only screams you deserve better. Tonight I saw two worlds collide. 1. My grown up world, the man I married and loved. Failing and fighting and living. Struggling the way couples do, fighting to the death for what each believes and feels, fighting our demons, dealing with our short comings as a couple. And 2. My motherhood, I am your protector, provider, the center of your world. I am to bring you joy, giggles and hope. I am here to help you grow up strong and brave. I am here to nurture you, love you. You know me as Mom. But tonight you saw me as wife and partner. You saw the uglier side of life. You saw me angry and sad. You didn’t need to see it. It doesn’t make you stronger or better. It may actually harm you. I did that and I am so sorry.
I am probably going to screw up tomorrow. But I hope that I learn from tonight. I hope I never forget your face as you looked back and forth between the two of us. I hope I never forget the feeling of realizing that you knew, you heard and you felt. I hope I never take for granted your presence, your life, or the gift that God gave me in you. This life sucks sometimes, son, but you are my bright light of hope. Money will come and go. Struggles will always be around the corner but I have only a short time to keep you innocent and protected from all this world seeks to destroy and going forward I hope to keep you safer a little longer. Know that you are loved, deeply and completely. No matter what tomorrow brings, I will be your mom first.